On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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