we have pet lesbian snakes
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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