Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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