I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
