Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
