Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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