Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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