its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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