What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
