So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
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