Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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