So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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