Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
