I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
