Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
