i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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