Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
