Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
