i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
