fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
