dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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