Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
