Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You did what with his pubic hair?
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