I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
