What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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