he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
