I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
