I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
