just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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