I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Someone signed my nipple.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
