i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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