I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
