she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
