If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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