Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
