Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
