When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
