goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
