I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
