well I can't set my house on fire every night
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
