I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
