I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
