Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Whod you bang
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
