i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
