Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
