Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
