i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
