I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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