my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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