Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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