I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
