I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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