In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
