Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
