Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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