No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
