the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
