i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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