the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
